Fitness has been my therapy for all of my life. No matter what is going on, it's the constant thing that never changes. Lately my workouts have been the catalyst that brings up all of the emotion. The biggest thing I'm struggling with lately is all the Christmas parties, and my 40th birthday being just around the corner.

Am I supposed to be over this already? Has everyone forgotten about what has just happened? I don't feel like celebrating, I don't want to party. I'm still sad, my heart STILL feels shattered. I try and look forward, to see a silver lining, and get frustrated with myself because I can't. Not yet.

It takes all of my strength to get out of bed every morning, to put on a brave face, get dressed and get to work. I want to happy again. I want the old me back. Maybe she doesn't exist anymore. Maybe I have to rebuild her. 

I've been thinking of what I can do to help with my healing process. I keep asking myself "What do I need right now." I go to bed repeating the Mantra; "I allow my subconscious mind to supply my conscious mind with whatever it is that it needs to know."

After my breath-work/meditation session this morning, a thought came to mind- "The Marathon Monks." 

Legend has it that the monks of Mount Hiei run 1,000 marathons in 1,000 days in their quest to reach enlightenment. Those who succeed become revered, as human Buddhas or living saints.

Emotion is energy, and all I know is that I need to channel this emotion I am feeling into something positive. Every part of me just wants to crawl into a hole and not face the world. But, there's a part of me that knows that the Universe has a bigger plan, and on the other side of  this, there's a version of me I am excited to meet.

The only way I know how to get through this, is to endure physically. To experience physical pain to help heal the emotional pain. It might sound super weird, but it rings true for me. Running a long way for me, has always been a way for me to connect to my heart and Spirit, my Gii-Dhuwi, and to connect to a force greater than myself.

I may not run 1,000 marathons in 1,000 days, but I'll start with 40kms on my 40th Birthday. Who knows, I might get some answers, step by step, brick by brick I'll rebuild myself and find peace.

Sending you a shit load of love, light and epic vibes,

Charlie xo