Journal entry- 3rd December, 2023

I'm sitting up in bed having a cuppa. It's 10:30pm. Today is my 40th Birthday. I woke up to Arlo and Groll, (my beautiful 4yr old daughter and my amazing partner,) singing happy birthday to me. It was the best. 

It's my 4th birthday without my Pop. I used to LOVE blowing our candles out together, and our morning phone call where we would wish each other a happy birthday. We'd meet up in the afternoon for a BBQ and beers with the family. Those small things really feel like the big things now. 

I was going to run 40kms today to celebrate turning 40. But I didn't. We've been in the hospital all week with my Nan. I said my final goodbye last night, so I could spend the day with my little family. We went for breakfast and I tried to celebrate as best as I could. Nan and Pop would have wanted that.

After brekky, I quickly ran into the hospital for just one more kiss. I told Nan it was ok for her to go. I told her to go and have a beer with Pop, give him a big cuddle and tell him I said happy birthday. 

My sister's and Jacko surprised me with a 3hr spa package at 3pm. I went home and got ready. My little sis, Courtney dropped me off. I'd never in my life spent 3hrs in a day spa before! I had a massage, then facial, and fell asleep while my face mask was on. I then had a dream that I was little and Nan was bouncing me on her knee, singing to me. I woke up and thought, "Did it just happen?"

After my facial, I had a sauna, then my afternoon finished with a spa. Beer in hand, grazing board, overlooking the mountains. It was absolutely beautiful!

I raised my glass, "Cheers Pop, Happy Birthday to us."

I stared out at the blue skies, the gumtrees and the mountains that looked like a painting. It didn't look real. An orange butterfly flew past, then another one. "Is that you Nan?" I thought. Nan always said she would come back as a butterfly to let us know she was with us. 

While we were at the hospital, we kept saying how cool it would be to see Nan and Pop reunite in heaven. We imagined them running up to each other hugging and dancing. We played Don Williams Greatest hits to Nan. It was her favourite album since Pop passed. There's a song called 'My Best Friend.' Nan played that for Pop at his funeral. 

I didn't go to Pop's funeral. I had just had Arlo the night before and we both had to be on the drip. I remember calling Nan when I was still in the birthing suite, crying to her because I wasn't going to make it. "Pop wouldn't want you to darlin, you've just brought a new life into the family. You just worry about you and the baby." 

It really hurt not being able to go to Pop's funeral after sharing all of my birthdays with him. But that's how it was meant to be. 

Still laying back in the spa, I saw two sparrows flying around outside like they were dancing. I stared and watched them. They looked so happy, playing and flying around in circles. "Nan and Pop reuniting," I thought. 

On the album we'd been playing for Nan, there was a song that sang, "fall like a sparrow, fly like a dove, you must be the dream I've been dreaming of. Oh what a feeling, this must be love."

I wasn't sure whether I was imagining this stuff, or whether it was spirit whispering to me. 

I jumped out of the spa and into the shower to rinse off, got dressed, finished off my yummy chocolate and headed out the door to meet my lovely beauty therapist who had pampered me for the afternoon. I felt sooo good! I have never felt so relaxed in such a long time. 

My little sis was waiting for me in the driveway to pick me up. "How was it?" She asked. 

"OMG I feel so fucking good!" I said. 

I jumped in the car and looked at her. "Umm, it happened." She said, and gave me a big hug.

"I knew it", I said, "she came to me in there." I cried, realising it was all true. 

The dream I had of her bouncing me on her knee singing, during my facial, would've been the time that she grew her wings. It was her, letting me know. The two orange butterflies, the two sparrows, it was all true. They were all whispers from spirit. 

My Nan passed away on my 40th birthday. The date my precious Pop took his first breath, and my darling Nan took her last. She arrived just in time for afternoon drinks with Pop. I can see them now, reuniting, together again after having four years apart. 

I got home to all of my family and closest friends in my backyard. She planned it this way. She never wanted it to be a sad day when she left us. She hated me being sad on mine and Pop's birthday. This is her way of telling me to celebrate life. They helped create me, and I will celebrate the shit out of this day for the rest of my life, and the generations that come after me. My cousin had a son born on this day as well. He's just turned eight. 

I love yo so much my Nanny. You taught me how to be strong, to always tell the truth, to love with all of my heart, and to never give up on what's important. You are the best Nan anyone could have asked for, and I will live the rest of my life making you proud. 

I love you,

Charlene xoxoxox