You can't go over it, you can't go under it, you must go through it- Feeling into grief.

Journal entry- 2/11/23

Memories of the dream I had when I was in theatre comfort me when the emotions are too much to bare. It was like I was in heaven. It was bright, surrounded by translucent light. I was standing there and saw Pop coming toward us, he took your hand and looked at me as if to say, "I've got him." I was waving and sobbing as I watched them walk off into the distance. My heart is breaking.

I woke up from the anaesthetic crying, howling even as I came to the reality of what had just happened. My little baby had just been taken from my whom. I felt empty. The nurses comforted me, one of them was my good friend I had met through CrossFit. It was so comforting to see her kind, familiar face. 

I try to reason in my head, I try and make sense of this whole thing. "Maybe he isn't ready yet." Maybe I'm not ready," "But I am!" "What the fuck!" "FUCK!!" "The Universe has a bigger plan," "Everything happens for a reason," "This is happening FOR me, not TO me."

The conclusion.... It just is, and it hurts like fucking hell!

We'll never truly make sense of the painful things that happen in our life. I like to believe it's our souls journey, learning and growing through the pain if we choose to. I like to believe that we choose the lessons we need to learn before we incarnate into human form here on Earth. That on a soul level we choose the good times as well as the painful times. 

I know my heart will eventually heal. But for now, it hurts. 

Loads of love, light & healing vibes,

Charlie xo