I spent so many years searching for happiness outside of myself. 

We all do it, right?

We keep telling ourselves that when 'this' happens, then I'll be happy! OR, I'll be happy when I have more money, new car, lose the weight, move to another town, get the new job, all the ducks are in a row, blah, blah, blah. 

We get stuck in a cycle of seeking, searching, wishing, hoping, and we land right back where we started... feeling empty, unfulfilled and miserable. 

It wasn't until I travelled to India and spent two months living in an Ashram, I discovered the true meaning of happiness. To be honest, when I first landed in Delhi, it was a massive culture shock. As I was searching for an Indian man holding up a sign that said "Charlie Abra", I was bombarded with a sensory overload. 

The smells, the sounds of horns, thousands of people scrambling into taxis, the feeling of breathing the hot, thick, dry, dusty air into my lungs.... After half an hour of searching for my Indian and not being able to find him, I sat in a cafe completely overwhelmed and thinking, "What the f@#k have I done!"

After a cold drink, I got the courage to go out into the chaos again, and yes, after an hour and a half of searching through an army of people that looked like a thousand ants scurrying on an ant hill, there he was holding up a piece of cardboard that said "Charlie Abra." Phew!!

I jumped into his car and made the two hour trip south of Delhi to Vridavan, known as a holy town in Uttar Pradesh, northern India. It is famous for the many Lord Krishna Temples and has evolved as a pilgrimage site of Hindus. 

The first two weeks of my stay, I was practicing Panchakarma, (the five stages of cleansing) purifying mind, body and spirit. There were lots of tears and moments of "WTF!!" 

Knowing I was there for two months, by myself, I decided to buckle in and completely immerse myself in this new, yogic, monk-like lifestyle. My day would start at 3:30am and Purnendu would take me for a 10km pilgrimage through the holy town where the smell of sandalwood filled the air, fires burning, and the sounds of chanting coming from the many temples. The devotion that filled this town was like nothing I had ever seen before.

I quickly realised that being brought up in Australia, I was spoilt, precious and had no idea that happiness was an inside job and not found in the creature comforts I was used to. We'd arrive back at the Ashram at about 6am where I was greeted with a warm chai. I would go up to my room and get ready for my 60min asana practice with my yoga teacher Yashendu, (what we Westerner's call, yoga). 

Every second day for the first two weeks of my stay, I would practice Vamanam, which is an induced vomiting procedure that releases the toxins present in the upper part of the body and regulates the water element, kapha. On these days I cried a lot. Energetically, it helps release grief and basically helps crack your heart wide open.

Breakfast would be a big bowl of tropical fruits, I would fast through the day, then have an Ayurvedic dinner to help balance and purify my mind, body and spirit. 

My days were filled with journaling, reading ancient texts about philosophy, and healing myself of all the pain and suffering I was stuck in. I would meditate in an underground cave with nothing but a candle and the sound of my breath and the scattered thoughts that filled my head. (there's nothing quite like facing your deepest fears, thought patterns and limiting beliefs about yourself in a dark, quiet room alone!) 

I would daydream about meeting my soulmate, raising a family and growing old together in a home with a big backyard and gardens filled with so much love. I would trust that where I was, and what I was going through was my version of a vision quest, (which is where a person goes walkabout to pray and cry out to the spirits to help them find their purpose in life, their role in the community, and how they may best serve their people).

 As I am writing this, I am living in that house with a big backyard and gardens with my soulmate, raising our family. (It was all worth it). 

At 4pm every afternoon I started playing cricket with the kids that had been adopted by the Ashram family. There was a language barrier but we soon worked out how to communicate with each other. It was then I realised that no matter what race, colour, or country we were born into, we are ALL THE SAME. We all have unique, quirky personalities, love to play jokes on each other, and my new Indian family loved giving me shit when India beat Australia in the Test Series. Haha!

We laughed, we played, and through the game of cricket, we were happy, connected and united. 

It was in India, where I finally learnt the TRUE meaning of LIFE. Happiness is a mindset. It's choosing to look at what you have, rather than what you don't. It's choosing to fill your day with people that make you laugh and that bring out the best in you. It's choosing that no matter what life throws your way, that you get back up and keep going. It's choosing thoughts and actions that move you closer to your DHARMA, (life's purpose). It's choosing to be better than you were yesterday and to strive to become the best version of yourself. It's choosing to know your worth and how uniquely amazing you are.

WE CREATE our own happiness. It's a choice to wake up every morning and be grateful we get to dance through this life creating memories with the ones we love. We came into this world with nothing, and we will leave with nothing. All we leave with is the memories, and the knowing that we loved deeply and lived fully. 

When we focus on creating happiness from within, the outer world will mirror what we already feel inside, and nothing will be left undone. X

"If you want to become whole, let yourself be partial. If you want to become straight, then let yourself be crooked. If you want to become full, let yourself be empty. If you want to be reborn, let yourself die. If you want to be given everything, give everything up."

~Lao Tzu