I went for a long run today, and I got to thinking about life....About living life according to values and virtues, and what that can look like in the real world. Part of the journey sounds simple in theory… but in real life, it can feel like one of the hardest things you’ll ever do.
Learning to live by your values. Holding your ground. Not letting other people’s reactions shake you when you finally choose yourself. It can feel so hard, and can still leave you with a feeling of guilt in your gut.
About 10 years ago, I got into the teachings of Epictetus and Marcus Aurelius. (Yep, I'm a nerd.) At the time, I don’t think I fully understood why or how I came across them, but I was drawn to them. I just knew something in their words felt like ancient wisdom worth knowing... like truth. After years of reading 'Meditations of Marcus Aurelius', It felt like reading someone’s thoughts. A man trying to make sense of life, responsibility, pressure… and himself.
Something I was trying to do. So, I kept reading....
There was something powerful about this book. A Roman emperor, with everything at his fingertips still reminding himself to stay humble, to stay disciplined, to stay in control of his own mind. (which is what I was learning from the yoga practice).
It made me realise… No matter who you are, or what you carry, the real work is always internal.
Then there was Epictetus. His teachings, in 'Enchiridion' were simple…and I felt them in my body as truth. 'Some things are in your control. Some things are not'.....That’s it.
But how do you actually live that? That’s where the real challenge begins. As humans, we all try to control people. We try to control outcomes. We try to control how we're perceived by others.... And every time you do… you feel it. The tension. The frustration. The exhaustion.
You can't control how others behave. You can't control how others respond. You can't control whether they understand you, or approve how you live your life. But you can control your actions, your responses your values, your energy.
When you're in real life moments, where your nervous system is activated, your heart is pulling you one way, and your truth is asking you to stand firm. It’s one thing to read about staying calm....it's another to practice and embody calmness through your daily actions.
Epictetus taught that suffering comes when we try to control what is not ours to control. When you start setting boundaries, people can react. When you change, and stop tolerating certain behaviours, people push back or get offended. But, you cannot control others. So stop trying to, because you can't.
When you choose peace over people-pleasing, it can trigger discomfort in others. And especially if it’s family… That’s where it hits deeper, because you’re not just setting a boundary, you’re breaking a pattern that may have existed for years, maybe decades. You constantly ask yourself: “Why Are They Reacting Like This?”
This is the part that can trip you up. You think: 'Am I doing the right thing? Am I being respectful? I've worked so hard on forgiving the past, I'm just not willing to put others before me anymore....because I matter, my feelings matter…"
So, why does it feel so hard? Because their reaction was never yours to manage. Marcus Aurelius reminds us:
“You have power over your mind — not outside events.”
Their disappointment… not yours. Their anger… not yours. Their inability to meet you where you are… not yours.
Forgiveness Doesn’t Mean Access
This is a big one. You can forgive someone… and still choose distance. You can release resentment…
and still say no more. You can love someone… and still protect your peace. Forgiveness is about freeing yourself from the weight of the past. Boundaries are about protecting your future. (Read That again)
They are not the same thing, but they work together. At some point, you realise your energy is sacred. Your home, your family, your space… this is your circle, and not everything or everyone gets to enter that space anymore. Not because you’re cold. Not because you’re shutting people out, but because you’ve learned what it feels like to be drained, hurt, betrayed or disrespected… and you’re no longer willing to carry that anymore.
This isn't punishment. This is wisdom that you may have had to learn through lived experience. Living this way isn’t about being emotionless. It’s about choosing yourself to protect your peace.
It’s about feeling the discomfort… but not abandoning yourself. It's about not absorbing the heavy energy of other people's reactions. It's about standing in your truth… even when it shakes the room.
This is the real practice. Boundaries will be tested. Again and again. And each time, you’re asked: Will I stay true to myself… or go back to what feels familiar?
A New Way Forward
The more you walk this path, something shifts. You stop needing everyone to understand, because you've tried, and it didn't work. You're tired of trying. You're tired of the fight. You stop explaining yourself over and over because it's falling on deaf ears anyway... You stop negotiating your self-worth.
Living by Stoic virtues isn’t about becoming hardened. It’s about becoming clear. Clear on what you stand for. Clear on what you allow. Clear on what you carry and what you finally let go of. You can forgive the past… and still choose a different future. You can love deeply… and still protect your peace. That’s the work. That's the daily practice. And that’s the power.
Hope this helps, It helped and still helps me.
Was good to get that out of my head. Thanks for listening.. 😅🙏🏽
Charlie xo
